REMEDIAL HIGHER EDUCATION
Here at the online University of Phoenix, you will receive a comprehensive education in the philosophy of future success in your new career: Powerpoint, Outlook Express, filling out surveys, & how to open a PDF file. Our team exercises also teach you the invaluable lesson, If you want something done, do it yourself.
We offer both an online curriculum graded by foreign nationals in Bangalore, as well as our ground campuses, located in seedy strip malls across America.
Hiring managers take note when they see University of Phoenix on your resume! Our graduates are well-represented among civil servants, food-service specialists, motel managers, carnal entrepreneurs, & TV news anchors. The University of Phoenix online law school is a major recruiter for Jacoby & Myers, & our online medical school provides staffing for fine nationalized health industries in Canada, Britain, & Libya.
A few of our successful alumni:
- Ward Churchill, Phd in Excel spreadsheets from University of Phoenix online Business School
- Arianna Huffington, licensed manicurist from University of Phoenix online Beauty Academy
- Nancy Grace, MFA in Ecru from University of Phoenix online Arts Academy
- Bill Frist, Phd, University of Phoenix online institute of Parapsychology
The University of Phoenix is competitive with finer educational establishments such as the Bryman School, Control Data Institute, & the Barbizon School. We have a diverse student body, including housewives returning to brush up their cocktail waitressing techniques as well as motivated individuals on work furlough or community service. University of Phoenix is also a fine employer, & is always hiring new instructors, starting at $13 an hour.
Watch out USC: the University of Phoenix is excited to be fielding its first online football team, with the nubile University of Phoenix online cheerleaders. Call today to take advantage of our special offer: University of Phoenix's new 3-week master's programs in homeopathy, store window display, Adobe Acrobat, & copy-&-paste.
See also University of Phoenix Sucks!
(Compliments of my father.)
Happy 15th Birthday to the World Wide Web...